This pregnancy has been the hardest on me emotionally. I have not said to much because I was trying to sort things out and deal with them. Before I get comments of you don't love your baby etc. please let me explain. I do love little Ari. In fact this week more than ever I do. He was a huge shock and it has taken a lot to get use to. It was a big blow when I am not even 8 months post partum and I am expecting again. I think a lot of woman go through this but are scared to really speak about it. They feel like they will be deemed ungrateful or not loving their child. The other one that comes to mind is be happy a lot of woman can't get pregnant. It is not that I don't want another baby. I hate being pregnant towards the end as it seems I have a history of problems. Financially this baby has put a strain on us. Also I just want my body back. I have been pregnant nursing or both for going on 4 years. That is a lot on ones body!! It is hard. I had hoped having an ultra sound would help. I thought seeing him would really help me. Honestly, it made it worse. I don't know why but it did. Finally though everything came to a head last weekend and I had one HUGE long cry. After that I felt amazing. This week though I have really fell in love with him like I have with my other two.
Tuesday night I was taking a much needed shower before bed just to relax. Both of my other kids have loved when I took a bath or shower when I was pregnant. I don't know if it the warmth or the noise, but they would always come alive. It is an amazing feeling and I loved it. As I was taking a shower my wonderful little third Blessing did the same. It was the moment I needed. I knew at that moment God gave us this special little boy for a reason. I fell in love then and since have been so much happier. It was amazing to feel his little butt sticking up and him kicking my hands. I am in love! I also received his first hat for his newborn pictures yesterday from one of my favorite vendors for props. I opened it and it was so small and tiny! It made me love him more! All that to say it has taken 20 weeks for it all to sink in and for me to be in love with him as much as I have my other two. He is always going to have a special meaning in my heart and God knew exactly what he was doing.
I am a bit more swollen this week. I am hoping it goes down as I hate that feeling. Anthony has been able to feel Ari a lot more and Eli has started kissing my belly. He has a lot of room to move and is all over as my uterus is measuring way ahead. He seems to like my ribs lately but I will forgive him.
 |
| 20 weeks Embracing the Camera with little Ari |
The kids and I took some pictures today. Eli wanted to use my camera and the tripod. He loves to use the remote so I let him. We are waiting to go pick up daddy as he has been gone the past couple of days.
Excuse the snotty noses. The kids are very sick and no matter how much I wipe their noses it never fails there is always something there. We are off to pick up the Man of the House and finish up final details for Miss Lilliana's One Year Birthday on Saturday!! I will be back sometime this weekend with her smash cake session and our little family Birthday celebration. Have a wonderful weekend!
Completely, completely understandable feelings! Pregnancy is hard and each one is different and you are a champ for powering through each day with two on the outside and one on the in. We had our 3rd 6 months ago and whew was it hard being pregnant chasing two others! Hang in there! Take good care of yourself!
ReplyDelete