Four Years

My Silly Little Clown,

You are finally four. You have been waiting for this day for a couple months. It is finally here and I can hardly believe it. As I tucked you in last night and tried having a sentimental talk about your birthday you acted as you normally would a clown. You cared, but there is no way you were going to show it. Instead you were going to joke and just be a clown. I knew when I found out I was pregnant you would rock our world and I was so right. You have in so many ways. While our days may not always be easier they are brighter, happier, and more fun. Your goal is to make everybody laugh and you do such a wonderful job at that. We love you so much and are so happy four years ago God gave us you!

Love, 

Your Old Woman (for wondering minds, he calls me Old Woman)  aka Mom

This picture is a joke for his future. We always jokingly say he will be our kid behind bars at one point.

Big Kid Milestones

Five is such a wonderful age. They begin losing teeth, riding bikes, expressing opinions other than tantrums, and are all around fun. I will always love 5. Lilliana is at this age right now. Surprisingly for her, it has actually been our hardest age. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, but seriously she is a dream. She was an easy baby and toddler. Now we are dealing with emotions occasionally. Anthony and I didn't know how to deal with that at first. Thankfully we have found a good balance and it is working. 

She lost her first tooth the other night. She was eating an apple through the day and it was fun to see the progression of excitement, to fear, to pain, to crying. All day all she would talk about to anybody was her loose tooth. She wouldn't eat anything at one point. She was starving so I grabbed it and pulled it almost completely. I knew once we did that she would pull it the rest of the way out. She did too. She ran right into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and pulled it out no problems including blood on her shirt. She was so excited.

Of course we had to take a picture of her hole in her mouth. I have decided even with the babies this girl may forever be my muse. I probably will post too many photos. In a matter of 3 minutes I had at least 20 usable photos. She just is so photogenic and does not mind getting her picture taken. 

She also mastered climbing the tree this week. 

She is becoming a kid and I have to admit my heart breaks a little, but it also is so excited for who she is becoming. 

Cue the insecurities-Motherhood Week 4

I skipped a post last week for this series. Honestly I was exhausted. I also am trying to process this mom thing. When I started this series I knew I wanted to dig deep for me and photography wise. So here is that post that may get a little every where with bunny trails and maybe seem like a mom complaining post. Although I think you will find some wonderful truths for mothering so ignore the words if you choose and scroll on through, or enjoy my ramblings. This is for me this week. 

The honeymoon phase of newborns is fast approaching it's end. Does that mean I love them any less. Absolutely not, if anything I love them more. I am exhausted though. It isn't even from lack of sleep. They sleep great. I am exhausted from the constant needs of everybody in this house. Anthony is working long weeks. This use to be our normal and now I remember why I was burned out in everything. Thankfully we have not had this in a while. I laid in bed last Saturday and ever so lovingly told Anthony honeymoon is over. I need 2 hours to just breath that doesn't include upkeep on the house to make it run. He said I have been waiting for this. I knew you were going to crack at one point and honestly it lasted a lot longer than I thought. He knows me well. Most weekends I can't even grab a nap without a precious babe snuggled up to me. Most days I LOVE it. I don't mind, but when one is in bed at night and or both and all day of kids. Momma needs a break. Couple all of this and the geniuses that we are decided it was a fabulous time to paint the downstairs and tear up the floors to replace. So again we have remodel work looming over our head. You would think we would have learned. HAHA Honestly though we just need two weeks where Anthony isn't working Saturdays and we can accomplish it. 

Above all else I am still dealing with some serious mental issues regarding the babies birth. I have not spoke too openly here because I hate to complain. I know I am so blessed with two babies and we are all healthy, BUT I am dealing with the issues of a c section 3 months later. Severe pain and an incredible skin yeast infection that I can not get rid of for more than a week. I also am not thrilled with the wonderful mommy apron the c section has enhanced. Then I feel like my body has failed me again regarding the blood pressure. I did everything right health wise and sadly it still made no difference. Many many many moments I feel as if I failed my girls especially Daphne. I couldn't keep them in longer and they both needed it regardless of how well they are doing now. The NICU situation was beyond traumatic and I still can't look at pictures from that moment with out my heart literally just sinking and intense guilt coming my way. I wish I would have done so many things differently. 

So here we are at week 4 and there were a couple things I wanted to capture. Photography wise well they will NEVER win an award. Heck at this point I wouldn't even consider them photography because truly the light is terrible...full sun in some. I chopped some limbs in another. The background clutter is there.

Then there are the issues of my insecurities. Five kids have done a wonder on my body. Here comes the good and lessons though. 5 kids!! My body has grown and nourished 5 kids at one point two at a time. Not many people can say that. I may have stretch mark from the bottom of my stomach all the way to my chest. My spider veins are beginning to emerge more so than ever. Let's face it I have way more fat on me than I would like, but I have grown 5 babies. This brings me to the first series of photos. 

Exercise

I have really worked the past 2 years to make this a priority. I had to for an example and for my mental/physical health. When I started I wanted to cry. I was so out of shape and it was so hard. Thankfully it is hard still at times, but it has gotten so much easier. I also use to not be able to exercise with the kids at all. I literally had a fit if they even entered the room. I was so out of shape any distraction would throw my brain and everything off and I would give up. I would like to think I have grown in this area though. All the kids now are in the room even the babies and exercise with me. Lilliana is usually the one there the most. I had to capture that. It has become our time every day that I physically can (incision is still bothering me so it doesn't happen as frequently as I would like). We even went and got new shoes during a Meijer sale this past week and Ari cried when we got home because he didn't get new exercise shoes to exercise with me. It was cute. 

Then God smacked me in the face last night while I was doing my devotions and I knew how lucky I really am. I began a study of Matthew last week and was reading through Jesus' birth and the few years after last night. It dawned on me how terrifying of a time it must have been for Mary and Joseph to have to flee to Egypt after Jesus' birth. That was a long walk and let's face it there were no cars. I can't imagine having just had a baby even a year later and still having to make that walk. I am blessed I have the time to just enjoy my babies and not flee for fear of their life. Instead I can exercise in the comfort of a climate controlled house with my kiddos. I may not have the body I dream of but it isn't because I have had to walk for miles fleeing an evil ruler. WOW!! 

It also made me realize how free I really have to have that extra time to pour into my kids. I didn't want to post these next series either. I look exhausted and not glamorous by any means, BUT I know my kids will remember this and me this way. 

Water Fight

The weekend was very hot and Anthony brought home squirt guns. I told them I was going to get them and it was me against them. They thought they would beat me and I laughed telling them mom has the biggest squirt gun though. They didn't realize what I was talking about until I grabbed the hose and soaked them. They laughed and we had a blast. One of my favorite memories as a child was water gun fights with my parents. I so hope they remember this fun day and the many more we will have. 

This is our life, non glamorous and all. Even through the mentally exhausting moments I am lucky as ever to be able to spend the time with them instead of working or fleeing. It is a work in progress to change my thought process but thankfully Jesus understands the moments of everybody needing you. What a wonderful thought. Our one true friend dealt with everybody needing or wanting Him just like we as moms encounter. 

Duck and Toad

Our house is an absolute disaster. We have begun tearing up the floors downstairs and painting, plus 5 kids, and 4 of them being sick with a cold. Many days I think we are crazy. The mess might actually make me more crazy than the kids. I don't deal well with any sort of change regarding house mess. It makes me so frustrated. Unfortunately I think this is what my summer will look like with Anthony working extra hours like usual. We will finish this in time to head upstairs and begin adding bookshelves and decor to the home school room. I have to keep reminding myself of the end result.

All that to say after several weekends of not enjoying the wonderful summer weather we decided to forgo the work and mess and enjoy it. 

Lilliana has been asking the past week to learn to ride her bike without training wheels. This is a huge step. She really has never liked riding a bike. She would run on walks and the boys would ride full steam ahead. She got a new bike at Grandma's house and I think that spurred the interest. So we took the afternoon and went out to teach her. I couldn't be more proud of her! She cried at first because she was scared, but she had it within minutes. She did better than Eli in this aspect. Eli gave up his first time and wouldn't try for several weeks. 

We came home and mowed the lawn and played outside. The kids collected probably 5 toads and studied them. Ari loves toads and probably if we had a place to put them he would have 20 as pets. He giggles and laughs at them so much.

We then enjoyed a picnic dinner. The kids love to eat outside. I do as long as the mosquitoes are not bad. Thank goodness they have not been. The highlight of the evening was while we were at the end of our dinner we heard a bird. We turn around and a little duckling had wandered into our yard. The kids said it was a chick. Anthony and I looked at each other puzzled and said that is a duck. We realized he was too small to be by himself and there was no mother or other ducks around. Besides the fact it was odd to have a wild duck in town. At this point I went to get him and he had escaped to the neighbors. We took some time to capture him and look for the mom. The kids loved looking at him and holding him. In the end we took him to a friend's house that has had ducks.

I am thankful for the impromptu nature study lesson we had. I know the kids will remember it for their life probably. We are so enjoying this beautiful summer weather.