The past couple of weeks have been very emotional for me for some reason. I have had a lot of doubts. Many days I am incapable of even keeping the house clean let alone going and doing fun things with the kids. Come 6 I feel like I don't even have the energy to finish up bed time and dinner routines. It is Christmas time and usually Anthony is trying to contain my Holiday Spirit and keep me reigned in. Not this Christmas. I feel bad, we have hardly done even an 1/8th of what we usually do for baking, decorating, Christmas books, and crafts. All this has weighed on my mind of being enough.
This week can be really hard for me too. I am away from my family. While I love Michigan and being here, I always miss home and so many traditions my mom did. I also miss my dear sisters and Grandparents. I am so thankful I do have Anthony's family. We have begun new traditions over the year and it has helped. Between the sadness of the holidays and the past couple of weeks of bad news regarding insurance obstacles I am still trying to figure out and car seat bad news I may have hit my low for the holidays. Many days I was crying and just plain discouraged.
Back story of car seats....trying to find 5 seats that fit in our car has been a bit of a nightmare. We have found seats, but of course it requires at least 3 new ones that are not cheap. They are no less than $200 a piece. Of course the twins are going to have to ride in luxury it seems. I never would dream of spending that on a car seat. I came home crying from that adventure of figuring out the seat situation. It was hard. I sat in the driveway just crying. Then I began praying and fell asleep in bed that night praying. The next day we found one seat for $45. God is good!! I had faith we would find another. Regardless I still felt like we were in an uphill battle with the hospital bills etc. I was not sleeping well, restless leg syndrome has set in. Finally 5 days ago I said enough and have spent days in prayer. Monday came and we couldn't have been blessed anymore than we were. I also have hope that insurance might be finally sorted or at least on the right track. This will save at least $4,000. (Please continue to pray for that situation) We also found another car seat that day for $70! The twins can come home since we now have the required seats for that.
As I sat here at dinner making plans with the kids for baking, the Christmas Eve Service, Christmas dinner, and the weekend I could just cry for JOY! This month has been a roller coaster. In all honesty it has been the toughest Christmas for me. I felt so inadequate as a mother. In the end I have found the JOY in the little things and the blessings God has given us. It may not be my ideal Christmas, but it is the perfect one for this season of life. God gave us two babies for a reason. I have no idea why. Many people would give so much just for that. I know He is going to take care of our needs. I just don't know how. We talked about next year being their first Christmas and all the fun. I can't wait. It will be crazy, but wow the memories we will have.
This weekend will mark 28 weeks! At that point if they came their chance of survival is very high. I do not of course want them to come. I want them in there for at least 10 more weeks, but we have hit a milestone! Next goal is 32 weeks! I am feeling all of huge! Baby B is hanging out transverse at the top of my stomach really making me uncomfortable. She did switch today. I have hope she moved head down. If she did that will make my delivery even better. If not we hope she turns. We also are so much closer to names. I have picked out their outfits for the hospital bag. The best news I have car seats. Cravings I still have none. I have gained all of 5 lbs. at this point, but my pants are getting too big everywhere but the stomach. Sleeping is going better as long as I exercise during the day. All in all we are doing well. I am pushing through. I laugh at myself daily for how huge my stomach is, but there are 3 of us!!!
This week can be really hard for me too. I am away from my family. While I love Michigan and being here, I always miss home and so many traditions my mom did. I also miss my dear sisters and Grandparents. I am so thankful I do have Anthony's family. We have begun new traditions over the year and it has helped. Between the sadness of the holidays and the past couple of weeks of bad news regarding insurance obstacles I am still trying to figure out and car seat bad news I may have hit my low for the holidays. Many days I was crying and just plain discouraged.
Back story of car seats....trying to find 5 seats that fit in our car has been a bit of a nightmare. We have found seats, but of course it requires at least 3 new ones that are not cheap. They are no less than $200 a piece. Of course the twins are going to have to ride in luxury it seems. I never would dream of spending that on a car seat. I came home crying from that adventure of figuring out the seat situation. It was hard. I sat in the driveway just crying. Then I began praying and fell asleep in bed that night praying. The next day we found one seat for $45. God is good!! I had faith we would find another. Regardless I still felt like we were in an uphill battle with the hospital bills etc. I was not sleeping well, restless leg syndrome has set in. Finally 5 days ago I said enough and have spent days in prayer. Monday came and we couldn't have been blessed anymore than we were. I also have hope that insurance might be finally sorted or at least on the right track. This will save at least $4,000. (Please continue to pray for that situation) We also found another car seat that day for $70! The twins can come home since we now have the required seats for that.
As I sat here at dinner making plans with the kids for baking, the Christmas Eve Service, Christmas dinner, and the weekend I could just cry for JOY! This month has been a roller coaster. In all honesty it has been the toughest Christmas for me. I felt so inadequate as a mother. In the end I have found the JOY in the little things and the blessings God has given us. It may not be my ideal Christmas, but it is the perfect one for this season of life. God gave us two babies for a reason. I have no idea why. Many people would give so much just for that. I know He is going to take care of our needs. I just don't know how. We talked about next year being their first Christmas and all the fun. I can't wait. It will be crazy, but wow the memories we will have.
This weekend will mark 28 weeks! At that point if they came their chance of survival is very high. I do not of course want them to come. I want them in there for at least 10 more weeks, but we have hit a milestone! Next goal is 32 weeks! I am feeling all of huge! Baby B is hanging out transverse at the top of my stomach really making me uncomfortable. She did switch today. I have hope she moved head down. If she did that will make my delivery even better. If not we hope she turns. We also are so much closer to names. I have picked out their outfits for the hospital bag. The best news I have car seats. Cravings I still have none. I have gained all of 5 lbs. at this point, but my pants are getting too big everywhere but the stomach. Sleeping is going better as long as I exercise during the day. All in all we are doing well. I am pushing through. I laugh at myself daily for how huge my stomach is, but there are 3 of us!!!
The story of Mary walking all the way to Bethlehem is especially touching to me this year. The sacrifice to bring our Dear Savior to earth was wonderful. It has made me ponder that part of the story more and realize how even more blessed I am. I at this point will not have to deliver around barnyard animals. It may not be my ideal situation, but it sure beats a stable. The King of Kings born in a stable and here I worry about the twins being born in the Hospital. I should be joyful I have a better place. Perspective and reflection is sometimes the best thing for finding the JOY.
If this holiday season is hard for you, I encourage you to find the JOY in the little things. Realize what you do have. As we send our Christmas to Ecuador to those with nothing remember you probably have more than them. You may not have the best or biggest gift, but you have food, more clothing than they do, probably a bed, and the fact that your child will more than likely survive it's first year. We are so utterly blessed even with bills and "not enough money." I have found my JOY and I can't wait to enjoy Christmas morning thinking about next year with FIVE wonderful kids around the tree and wrapping paper flying.
If this holiday season is hard for you, I encourage you to find the JOY in the little things. Realize what you do have. As we send our Christmas to Ecuador to those with nothing remember you probably have more than them. You may not have the best or biggest gift, but you have food, more clothing than they do, probably a bed, and the fact that your child will more than likely survive it's first year. We are so utterly blessed even with bills and "not enough money." I have found my JOY and I can't wait to enjoy Christmas morning thinking about next year with FIVE wonderful kids around the tree and wrapping paper flying.
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