One Week Later

Time.....It can do so much for the soul. 

It is hard to believe as I type this a week ago we were driving to our ultrasound. My bladder was about to burst and I couldn't wait to find out if we were having a boy or girl. I think the words of, "has anybody told you there are two?" might haunt me forever. That being said I am doing so much better with the shock.


Monday was shock 

Tuesday was denial, shock, and so many questions. 

Wednesday was lots and lots of crying. 

Thursday-Now  has been sooo much excitement and joy it is unbelievable.


I needed to mourn. It wasn't ever about having two babies. Oh I know there will be obstacles, but I AM SOOOOO VERY EXCITED and just can't wait. The biggest thing I can had to mourn was my idea of what birth was going to be. If you know me you know I detest hospitals for myself and healthy births. In fact I really detest them for non healthy births. It is mainly for the ridiculous policies that are ran by bureaucratic hospital panels. It is just so ridiculous in some situations when every case should be case by case rather than blanket statements. I know it goes back to insurance and the risk of being sued. I get it. Regardless it doesn't change my thought process. I ran into this my very first appt. pregnant with Eli. I realized right then and there it would never work and it is just one of the many reasons we went with midwives after that. His birth was well traumatic. Was the hospital in the end necessary for him ABSOLUTELY!! Were there things looking back I would have done differently even then there, yes. That being said I did have some incredible nurses and one incredible resident that did make it as easy as they possibly could under hospital policies. All that to say I had to mourn my homebirth.

Having a home birth isn't easy either. There can be doubts. I mean truly if something does go wrong which can happen no matter what you have to weigh the risk of being away from the hospital. As you work towards a labor mentality you have to push all those fears away and just go with it. It takes a lot of mental preparation especially since there are no pain meds. There isn't the option so the thought of pushing a baby out well it can be scary without pain meds. I was finally at the point of peace and knowing this is going to hurt, but the end is so rewarding. Everything will be great. I had been picturing it in my mind for weeks. So I had to mourn that. I had to mourn the fact that I may not be the first person to hold them. That is tough when you catch your own babies. I had to mourn the fact that it would not be peaceful. For some unknown reason people can't leave a laboring mom alone while she is in labor and has to ask 500 ridiculous questions that can wait. Just let the mom labor. So I have to mentally prepare for this. It makes pain management tough. I have to mourn the fact that for some reason there needs to be a ridiculous audience at a birth rather than the people I choose which would be a total of 4....Me, Anthony, Dr. Herta, and Shelie. Then there is all the other junk they want to do to them in the hospital which is so unnecessary in many cases if they would just give babe to mom and let mom nurse. Thankfully I have processed all of this and have a huge list of questions and things I will be getting straightened out. I am ready for a hospital birth c section and all! You wouldn't believe it, but the C Section for breech babies has been the easiest for me to process. 

Through all of this I have just turned it over to God. The day I had the worst I didn't pray. It was the worst. Every other day I just pray and I am instantly in a better mindset. When the feelings of fear and being overwhelmed appear I just pray and the anxiety diminishes.
I will never forget Monday night I was in the kitchen doing dishes and Anthony had gotten home. I was probably crying and Family Life Radio was on. Anthony grabbed me and was holding me. I just pushed him away. He insisted I listen to this song. I didn't want to hear it. I just needed to process everything. Well he knew I needed it. because it has kept me going along with lots of prayer, Bible reading, and just loving these girls with as much as I have. It has been a great reminder for me. 

"Just Be Held"

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Some funnier moments have come about with our realization of the future. I stood in the kitchen making dinner thinking about my grocery shopping trip I needed to do. My mind began to wonder and ponder how shopping with five kids was going to go. A random thought hit me as we were at Sams in August and saw a new family with twins and a little girl shopping. Anthony and I both got in the car and said, "Wow, I am so glad that is not us." I just laughed so hard when I thought of that. That is so us.  I also am laughing at the fact I am going to be a whale. I already am huge with one baby. Two have to fit in there. LOL It just is humorous. I am trying to find the humor in all of this or I might become overwhelmed. I know we will have tough days, weeks, months ahead BUT I can't wait. It is going to be so worth it. My laundry may never be caught up, bathroom never clean, house never completely clean but that is ok. We will have each other and lots of laughs. 

I couldn't do it without these crazy 3. They have kept me on a walking schedule that we do every night when it is dark. They run and I power walk. I am trying to stay as active as possible.  They have jumped in and helped so much this week. Anthony and I both have decided to let them do more. They just have to. They have been so willing to help. They are switching laundry over now pretty much on their own. They have been helping me carry things. They also have been helping make their lunches and breakfasts and countless other chores that we have added. I am going to need the help. Eli has decided he wanted to earn money so he raked our front yard for money all on his own. He loved it really. It helped Anthony out a lot so it was nice. 

It has been so incredibly nice they have been outside so much this past week. Finally they are monitoring themselves. Usually there is lots of screaming from Ari. Just as I was going to go out and break up another fight I saw this out the window and heard them apologizing to each other. We are making progress!

I have begun sewing the girl's quilts! I want them done sooner rather than later in case of early babies or bed rest because let's be honest I won't have time after they arrive. I will be lucky to be able to sit down for two minutes alone I am sure:) All that to say we are doing well and making future plans with two extra family members! Life could not be better at this point in my eyes.