Cue the insecurities-Motherhood Week 4

I skipped a post last week for this series. Honestly I was exhausted. I also am trying to process this mom thing. When I started this series I knew I wanted to dig deep for me and photography wise. So here is that post that may get a little every where with bunny trails and maybe seem like a mom complaining post. Although I think you will find some wonderful truths for mothering so ignore the words if you choose and scroll on through, or enjoy my ramblings. This is for me this week. 

The honeymoon phase of newborns is fast approaching it's end. Does that mean I love them any less. Absolutely not, if anything I love them more. I am exhausted though. It isn't even from lack of sleep. They sleep great. I am exhausted from the constant needs of everybody in this house. Anthony is working long weeks. This use to be our normal and now I remember why I was burned out in everything. Thankfully we have not had this in a while. I laid in bed last Saturday and ever so lovingly told Anthony honeymoon is over. I need 2 hours to just breath that doesn't include upkeep on the house to make it run. He said I have been waiting for this. I knew you were going to crack at one point and honestly it lasted a lot longer than I thought. He knows me well. Most weekends I can't even grab a nap without a precious babe snuggled up to me. Most days I LOVE it. I don't mind, but when one is in bed at night and or both and all day of kids. Momma needs a break. Couple all of this and the geniuses that we are decided it was a fabulous time to paint the downstairs and tear up the floors to replace. So again we have remodel work looming over our head. You would think we would have learned. HAHA Honestly though we just need two weeks where Anthony isn't working Saturdays and we can accomplish it. 

Above all else I am still dealing with some serious mental issues regarding the babies birth. I have not spoke too openly here because I hate to complain. I know I am so blessed with two babies and we are all healthy, BUT I am dealing with the issues of a c section 3 months later. Severe pain and an incredible skin yeast infection that I can not get rid of for more than a week. I also am not thrilled with the wonderful mommy apron the c section has enhanced. Then I feel like my body has failed me again regarding the blood pressure. I did everything right health wise and sadly it still made no difference. Many many many moments I feel as if I failed my girls especially Daphne. I couldn't keep them in longer and they both needed it regardless of how well they are doing now. The NICU situation was beyond traumatic and I still can't look at pictures from that moment with out my heart literally just sinking and intense guilt coming my way. I wish I would have done so many things differently. 

So here we are at week 4 and there were a couple things I wanted to capture. Photography wise well they will NEVER win an award. Heck at this point I wouldn't even consider them photography because truly the light is terrible...full sun in some. I chopped some limbs in another. The background clutter is there.

Then there are the issues of my insecurities. Five kids have done a wonder on my body. Here comes the good and lessons though. 5 kids!! My body has grown and nourished 5 kids at one point two at a time. Not many people can say that. I may have stretch mark from the bottom of my stomach all the way to my chest. My spider veins are beginning to emerge more so than ever. Let's face it I have way more fat on me than I would like, but I have grown 5 babies. This brings me to the first series of photos. 

Exercise

I have really worked the past 2 years to make this a priority. I had to for an example and for my mental/physical health. When I started I wanted to cry. I was so out of shape and it was so hard. Thankfully it is hard still at times, but it has gotten so much easier. I also use to not be able to exercise with the kids at all. I literally had a fit if they even entered the room. I was so out of shape any distraction would throw my brain and everything off and I would give up. I would like to think I have grown in this area though. All the kids now are in the room even the babies and exercise with me. Lilliana is usually the one there the most. I had to capture that. It has become our time every day that I physically can (incision is still bothering me so it doesn't happen as frequently as I would like). We even went and got new shoes during a Meijer sale this past week and Ari cried when we got home because he didn't get new exercise shoes to exercise with me. It was cute. 

Then God smacked me in the face last night while I was doing my devotions and I knew how lucky I really am. I began a study of Matthew last week and was reading through Jesus' birth and the few years after last night. It dawned on me how terrifying of a time it must have been for Mary and Joseph to have to flee to Egypt after Jesus' birth. That was a long walk and let's face it there were no cars. I can't imagine having just had a baby even a year later and still having to make that walk. I am blessed I have the time to just enjoy my babies and not flee for fear of their life. Instead I can exercise in the comfort of a climate controlled house with my kiddos. I may not have the body I dream of but it isn't because I have had to walk for miles fleeing an evil ruler. WOW!! 

It also made me realize how free I really have to have that extra time to pour into my kids. I didn't want to post these next series either. I look exhausted and not glamorous by any means, BUT I know my kids will remember this and me this way. 

Water Fight

The weekend was very hot and Anthony brought home squirt guns. I told them I was going to get them and it was me against them. They thought they would beat me and I laughed telling them mom has the biggest squirt gun though. They didn't realize what I was talking about until I grabbed the hose and soaked them. They laughed and we had a blast. One of my favorite memories as a child was water gun fights with my parents. I so hope they remember this fun day and the many more we will have. 

This is our life, non glamorous and all. Even through the mentally exhausting moments I am lucky as ever to be able to spend the time with them instead of working or fleeing. It is a work in progress to change my thought process but thankfully Jesus understands the moments of everybody needing you. What a wonderful thought. Our one true friend dealt with everybody needing or wanting Him just like we as moms encounter.