One Week Later

Time.....It can do so much for the soul. 

It is hard to believe as I type this a week ago we were driving to our ultrasound. My bladder was about to burst and I couldn't wait to find out if we were having a boy or girl. I think the words of, "has anybody told you there are two?" might haunt me forever. That being said I am doing so much better with the shock.


Monday was shock 

Tuesday was denial, shock, and so many questions. 

Wednesday was lots and lots of crying. 

Thursday-Now  has been sooo much excitement and joy it is unbelievable.


I needed to mourn. It wasn't ever about having two babies. Oh I know there will be obstacles, but I AM SOOOOO VERY EXCITED and just can't wait. The biggest thing I can had to mourn was my idea of what birth was going to be. If you know me you know I detest hospitals for myself and healthy births. In fact I really detest them for non healthy births. It is mainly for the ridiculous policies that are ran by bureaucratic hospital panels. It is just so ridiculous in some situations when every case should be case by case rather than blanket statements. I know it goes back to insurance and the risk of being sued. I get it. Regardless it doesn't change my thought process. I ran into this my very first appt. pregnant with Eli. I realized right then and there it would never work and it is just one of the many reasons we went with midwives after that. His birth was well traumatic. Was the hospital in the end necessary for him ABSOLUTELY!! Were there things looking back I would have done differently even then there, yes. That being said I did have some incredible nurses and one incredible resident that did make it as easy as they possibly could under hospital policies. All that to say I had to mourn my homebirth.

Having a home birth isn't easy either. There can be doubts. I mean truly if something does go wrong which can happen no matter what you have to weigh the risk of being away from the hospital. As you work towards a labor mentality you have to push all those fears away and just go with it. It takes a lot of mental preparation especially since there are no pain meds. There isn't the option so the thought of pushing a baby out well it can be scary without pain meds. I was finally at the point of peace and knowing this is going to hurt, but the end is so rewarding. Everything will be great. I had been picturing it in my mind for weeks. So I had to mourn that. I had to mourn the fact that I may not be the first person to hold them. That is tough when you catch your own babies. I had to mourn the fact that it would not be peaceful. For some unknown reason people can't leave a laboring mom alone while she is in labor and has to ask 500 ridiculous questions that can wait. Just let the mom labor. So I have to mentally prepare for this. It makes pain management tough. I have to mourn the fact that for some reason there needs to be a ridiculous audience at a birth rather than the people I choose which would be a total of 4....Me, Anthony, Dr. Herta, and Shelie. Then there is all the other junk they want to do to them in the hospital which is so unnecessary in many cases if they would just give babe to mom and let mom nurse. Thankfully I have processed all of this and have a huge list of questions and things I will be getting straightened out. I am ready for a hospital birth c section and all! You wouldn't believe it, but the C Section for breech babies has been the easiest for me to process. 

Through all of this I have just turned it over to God. The day I had the worst I didn't pray. It was the worst. Every other day I just pray and I am instantly in a better mindset. When the feelings of fear and being overwhelmed appear I just pray and the anxiety diminishes.
I will never forget Monday night I was in the kitchen doing dishes and Anthony had gotten home. I was probably crying and Family Life Radio was on. Anthony grabbed me and was holding me. I just pushed him away. He insisted I listen to this song. I didn't want to hear it. I just needed to process everything. Well he knew I needed it. because it has kept me going along with lots of prayer, Bible reading, and just loving these girls with as much as I have. It has been a great reminder for me. 

"Just Be Held"

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Some funnier moments have come about with our realization of the future. I stood in the kitchen making dinner thinking about my grocery shopping trip I needed to do. My mind began to wonder and ponder how shopping with five kids was going to go. A random thought hit me as we were at Sams in August and saw a new family with twins and a little girl shopping. Anthony and I both got in the car and said, "Wow, I am so glad that is not us." I just laughed so hard when I thought of that. That is so us.  I also am laughing at the fact I am going to be a whale. I already am huge with one baby. Two have to fit in there. LOL It just is humorous. I am trying to find the humor in all of this or I might become overwhelmed. I know we will have tough days, weeks, months ahead BUT I can't wait. It is going to be so worth it. My laundry may never be caught up, bathroom never clean, house never completely clean but that is ok. We will have each other and lots of laughs. 

I couldn't do it without these crazy 3. They have kept me on a walking schedule that we do every night when it is dark. They run and I power walk. I am trying to stay as active as possible.  They have jumped in and helped so much this week. Anthony and I both have decided to let them do more. They just have to. They have been so willing to help. They are switching laundry over now pretty much on their own. They have been helping me carry things. They also have been helping make their lunches and breakfasts and countless other chores that we have added. I am going to need the help. Eli has decided he wanted to earn money so he raked our front yard for money all on his own. He loved it really. It helped Anthony out a lot so it was nice. 

It has been so incredibly nice they have been outside so much this past week. Finally they are monitoring themselves. Usually there is lots of screaming from Ari. Just as I was going to go out and break up another fight I saw this out the window and heard them apologizing to each other. We are making progress!

I have begun sewing the girl's quilts! I want them done sooner rather than later in case of early babies or bed rest because let's be honest I won't have time after they arrive. I will be lucky to be able to sit down for two minutes alone I am sure:) All that to say we are doing well and making future plans with two extra family members! Life could not be better at this point in my eyes. 

The Day After The Shocking News

In case you missed our news, we found out we are expecting twin girls yesterday. You can read about it here.  I still feel like I am living in a dream. Shock is just the biggest way to put this wonderful surprise. My mind still is having a terrible time processing things to be honest so this post probably seems all over. I did not sleep well last night and I think I may still be in denial. 

My phone blew up yesterday so if I did not respond to you, I am very sorry. It got to the point Anthony sent me to bed because I was a wreck of emotional nerves. I couldn't decide whether to cry or be so happy it hurt. It still hasn't changed much. 

Many have asked questions and I will do my best to try and answer. 

Twins do not run in either of our family that we are aware. 

They are fraternal with their own sacs and placentas. This is great news as the risk of complications decreases. 

I had absolutely no idea that I was having twins before now. Using a midwife we only do a 20 week ultra sound.  My uterus measured ahead pretty consistently with the other three kids. I am short torso like very short so I show quicker. This time has actually been the opposite. I have measured pretty true to normal. I have felt amazing!! This NEVER happens. I have little to no swelling also never happens. I usually pull out maternity clothes at 8 weeks. I am still in my regular pants and can button and zip. They don't look fabulous but I am able. I also have not gained a pound. Usually by now we are well into 20. I thank all of this to still exercising and eating the best I ever have. I also have felt parts in my ribs for at least a week but just figured it was baby being high. Nope that would be a head on once side and legs and bum on the other. I did have twin dreams for a week. I kept dreaming we walked in and they told us it was two so I guess that part is all. Either way that is the only thing I knew. 

The random thoughts and concerns that are running through my head.........

I obviously am still overweight. I am short and have no torso so I am so concerned I will end up looking like a beached whale come delivery. If there has been one thing I have struggled with this pregnancy it has been confidence. I worked so hard for well over a year before these babies were conceived to get healthy. I guess maybe too healthy:) LOL Even with all of that I still never lost all the baby weight. I lost a lot of inches and some pounds, but I still am big. It is scary with my history of high blood pressure, and I know God knows what he is doing but it is very hard to just leave it to Him and realize there is more to me than just the fluffiness. 

Our house which isn't small by any standards just seems way too small for 7 people....SEVEN!! Ummm somehow I just went from 5-7. 

I officially need a King Sized bed.....second thought why do I need a king size bed?!? Let's be honest I will never sleep again:) 

I thought it was cluttered with one baby's things, we now have two!! I sat down on Amazon to really figure out what all we need. It was overwhelming. Do I need two swings? Do I need two cribs? Do I need two of everything? Still working through all that. The good news is I am set on clothes from Newborn to 3 months. After that I may let them run around naked to save on laundry. I am set on cloth diapers. We did decide to just stick to disposables at least for the first month. I need to get on my feet before I venture back to cloth, but we have them.


Speaking of diapers...............2 kids in diapers again............I thought I was done with that. I have done it once I can do it again. 

Can I really home school and have twins?!? Time will tell. I am so thankful I decided to begin in July. I know we will be fine and we may move to a year round schedule for a few years which is perfectly ok. It is the beauty of home schooling. 

Going anywhere is going to be like herding more than elephants!! Me and 5!!! Let's just say if you don't see me for a year or so I have become a hermit and am content to live at home and allow Amazon to deliver what I need. If I can't get it from there I don't need it. I am stockpiling food and toilet paper now:) In all reality I am not joking and it is terrible. Anthony teases me I am a hermit. So I am asking my friends to help me get out. Tell me it will be ok. I am crying typing this because this thought overwhelms me the most. I am scared. The sheer amount of time it takes to get out the door with 5 kids two being babies just sets the anxiety to a level 10. This is where I want to give up and say I can't do this!! I know I can, but wow this part makes me very very overwhelmed. My grand plans of flying home for a month long visit next summer will definitely need to be rethought because I am being honest I can't travel by myself with 5 kids two being babies. It just goes back to going out with 5 kids and two babies.

I am scared. I will be honest. More like terrified of this upcoming hospital birth. I can't stand a lot of people in the room when I deliver. I hide. I know this is going to be a fight and obstacle. More than likely I will have to be hooked to monitors. That doesn't help me relax or get away. My labors are so quick I need that desperately. I am praying Dr. Herta will listen and help me in these regards. I know I have advocates on my side, but the last thing I want to deal with is hospital staff while in labor. I know they are just trying to be helpful but I know me and it won't be helpful. It will just get me out of focus and frustrated so I will have a tough time managing the pain. I have many other worries regarding this, but I am praying that those subside and I can just deliver them naturally and in as much peace as possible. 

On the more positive things. Anthony and I have been taking a marriage class at church. God knew we needed it at this time and the people we have been taking the class with. It has become a special place for us. I don't know right now that I would be very thrilled with Anthony or trusting God as much as I have without this class. It has been such a blessing. I know in the coming months of lack of sleep and craziness here this class will be the things that makes that time doable. We have tools to help us work together. 

Last year we just turned a lot of things over to God and just said let things happen the way they would happen.  Anthony moved to a new position at work. It may not be perfect, but wow has it made so much of a difference. Our house is wonderful don't get me wrong. It just needed some up keep and things to be finished. The old original windows were killing us every winter with the high heat bills even though we were not keeping the house very warm. God came through with that in a not so fun way, but He took care of that need. We had goals to finish the upstairs and then talk about another baby. Well once again God gave us that baby first only 2! My grandparents bless them drove clear across the country to help us get this upstairs almost done. God used them to help our need. I honestly have been speechless through that process.

As the year is coming to an end I always reflect on things I wish I might have changed. Honestly at this point I don't think I would have changed a thing. It has been one of best years we have had married. I reflected on my last year of being in my 20s around my birthday and never would have guessed it would end with 5 sweet blessings, but I wouldn't change it. The biggest lesson I have learned is I can't be in control. Letting go and letting God be in control has brought the biggest blessings to me. It is hard. I love to be in control. In fact I do not do well with surprises (hence the shock of this still), but letting go of control results in the best things. It is constant battle and I know it will continue. This summer I mourned the retiring of my photography business. I missed my extra income. I wanted to invest in another lens. Sometimes I just wanted to feel like I contributed to the money so I could splurge on something and not feel guilty. I missed many of my regular clients and some of my creative outlet. Then I realized it was the best summer and spring we had had with the kids for me at least. It was so much more relaxed and I could drop things and go instead of worrying about mounds of editing or emails. I knew last November when God was tugging on my heart to let it go that it was time. I wrestled with it. I didn't know why. I thought I could handle it all. Little did I know these two sweet girls would be just another reason as to why it was time to be done. For a year God has given me little pieces of this amazing puzzle and it is almost complete. We have a few more to find and fit into place, but it is coming along. I also just realized that the news we received yesterday  was the same day I got my positive pregnancy test with Ari 4 years ago. It is amazing how my attitude has changed. I was angry oh so angry about that. I am not proud of it. In fact many days I am ashamed. I was angry at God and Anthony and just the world. Yesterday could have been the same thought process because something did not go my way. I had a plan it was wrecked. I am thankful I have matured and grown in the Lord and in my faith because I can't imagine being angry about this. I may be scared, but angry is just so not fun for this. If you made this far I am impressed. I needed to get this all out. Somehow it calmed many fears, but I know the next few days will be trying. I need sleep (ironically I feel like this will be a mantra in 6 month). I think after that I may feel a bit better. I also am editing this to add, I am thrilled. I am very excited. I know it is going to be challenging, but I am so excited to have two sweet newborns to snuggle.

My final words as I yelled them with Lilliana at dinner last night......... "Finally we outnumber the boys!" She and I are thrilled about his prospect! 

The Big Ultrasound Reveal.....

This morning we had our 20 week ultrasound bright and early. This is what I have been anticipating for months. Will be having a boy or girl join this crazy family I will let the video speak for itself. You will want to watch to the end and Ari's reaction is priceless. 

https://youtu.be/-KHTlFi6F_E

We will let that sink in........

Pictures were a little more difficult as they are laying very funny, but here are some of them. 

We have never had 3d ultrasounds so these were fun. They look a little like aliens.

Needless to say we are more than overwhelmed. We are very excited. A lot of things will change besides just adding two babies. I have to have a hospital birth now. This is a little scary for me.

We have a couple major prayer requests besides the obvious.


1. We have been in an insurance nightmare since June. Please pray that that all is worked out soon because as we are finding out we get charged double for certain things. This is the biggest need. 

2. Pray that we can get everything we need baby wise. We are almost starting over as we have passed a lot on. Our biggest concerns are car seats as we will also need to move Ari to a thinner one for room in the car and clothes. We know it will all work out as God has been wonderful and already worked out soooo much. We just know these will be our biggest needs. 

3. This is really for me. Pray that God can give me comfort for a hospital birth and everything that entails. I know that seems silly, but I personally hate hospital births. I know I had a horrendous experience with Eli so that is part of it. I know this time will be much different or I hope!! We met the OB that I tandum cared with Ari and Lilliana today and she was awesome. She is all for a vaginal VBac so that part is good. If I need a C section that is ok too. In this instance it is needed. Just pray for comfort for me and of course healthy mom and babies.


I can't think of a lot else other than I am overwhelmed and still in a bit of shock!! 

Happy Halloween

It was a rainy windy night for Trick or Treating, but the kids enjoyed themselves. Truthfully two days ago we were not even sure we were going to go. I was at Meijer last night getting their costumes at 8:00 p.m. We originally had plans to make them. I will save that for next year. We just have been so busy with a lot of other things Halloween got put on the very back burner. Regardless they loved their costumes and had a blast. 

Raphael.......

This is the one that makes me puzzled. Lilliana is not really into the Disney Princess thing. In fact after we saw Frozen she didn't like it. Occasionally I have caught her singing let it go, but she just was not that into it. In the past she has not wanted to be a Disney anything. So when she chose Elsa I was surprised. Either way she loved her costume......

The Boxman (aka UPS man).........

I hope everybody enjoyed their Halloween as much as these 3 did. 

Fall

I am so thankful for a husband that pushes me when he knows I will end up enjoying something or  have regrets that I didn't do something. I really thought I would let this year's fall pictures go and not do them. We have just had so much going on and I have not had the energy to do it all. My camera has been the neglected thing with being busy. Anthony has been challenging me to get it out just one day a month. He is such a good man. He knows my outlets and passions for creativity. His response when I told them I wasn't going to do them, "You have to get at least one nice picture of all of them together." So, per his request I obliged. He even came outside to help me if I needed it. I don't move as fast as I did a month ago....the waddling seems to have set in. 

Needless to say I am thrilled we did them..............

Of course Ari decided he was not going to cooperate.......

His mood continued for their group photo. Either way it is so Ari and I know come the future we will all laugh. He reminds me so much of my dear sister Tosha.

We did not make it to the Cider Mill this year. I don't think we will. We were going to go this past weekend, but just had other things to get done. In all actuality I am glad we did not go. They had an E. Coli contamination since the cider is not pasteurized. 

The trees have been so beautiful this year. They have stayed on the trees for a while and we are really enjoying them. October really is such a favorite month of mine in Michigan. Once again Michigan delivered. Now if I could just remember this in February with the snow and cold. 

September-October

Fall is flying by, and  I haven't had time to really touch my camera. I could be more intentional, but I have been enjoying the moment. Here is what we have been up to and enjoying................

A visit from Grandma and a lot of outings. Sadly, I did not hardly get any pictures of her with them while she was here. We had so much fun.

Bike Rides, lots of Bike Rides (Side note: September/October light is my favorite)............

Teeth or lack there of.....

Visits from Great Grandparents which included drywall, electrical, lots of cooking and of course SEWING!!

More on the drywall, electrical, and remodel later but here is the view we looked at for years although this is a new design even so it isn't true to that. I will do a post on that later though. 

Here is where we are now....

Somehow in all that time we have gone from 13 weeks pregnant to 19. Next week we find out if baby is a boy or girl as long as baby cooperates!!

I have been feeling pretty good. Just a bit tired with all our wonderful family visiting and the remodel being done. Either way, I am doing great. I had gained all of 4 pounds, but I got on the scale today and I am back to no weight gain. This is rather odd for me. I am not complaining at all! Once again I contribute it to Trim Healthy Mama!! Usually by now I would have gained 20 pounds. (No not restricting food at all. I eat every 2 hours if anybody is concerned) There have also been a lot of baby kicks. Ari is obsessed with the baby. There are days every hour he grabs my stomach and says, "Hi Baby!"

19 Weeks

Last but not least we celebrated Anthony turning 30! The kids were confused because for a couple months he has just said he is 30. He enjoyed his favorite cheesecake.

Needless to say we have been very busy. I don't anticipate it slowing down anytime soon with the holidays approaching, our involvement with church increasing, homeschooling, finishing the remodel, and of course raising these crazy kids. We are enjoying the crazy.....most days:)